70 Dark Humor Jokes That Are Twisted, Morbid and Funny

Best 16 Dark-Humor Jokes about Work

1. The last advice I got from my boss was to start the presentation with a funny picture. I attached my paycheck as the first slide.
2. About spreadsheets, I always say this. I can Excel in this area.
3. My boss nicknamed me ‘the computer’. Because I sleep for 15 minutes if not attended to.
4. My boss told me to expect a huge difference in the amount of my next salary. Of course he used a bigger font than this.
5. Employee: May I kindly go away for two weeks for Christmas? Employee: But it’s only May. Employee: My apologies. Christmas in two weeks. Please?
6. My colleague has always been a loser. When the door of opportunity opens, he bitches about the draft.
7. My boss would want me to have a nice day. So I decided to go home.
8. To make a mistake puts an individual under stress; to find somebody else to blame displays manager potential.
9. What do they say about a working surface that is tidy? It is an indicator of their filing cabinets being full.
10. I really liked the idea of getting hired at a ‘no paper’ organisation up until I had to use the restroom.
11. I was unable to come to work today due to ‘a problem with visibility.’ I can simply no longer see myself working here.
12. Everyone knows how good I am at ”vocating” – this is my favourite word, and so they ought to work twice as hard when I am in the same team.
13. When I attended the recruitment interview, the manager offered me $2000 for the first month and another $2500 pay after the sixth month. I told her I will join after 6 months.
14. The time when the HR manager told me off at work, I was perplexed. Was it a leave or a stay order?
15. What do you think allows the good physician to remain unperturbed? He has plenty of patients.
16. What is the best way to attack your boss? Softly and quietly, so she wouldn’t hear you.

Latest 20 Dark-Humor Jokes about Marriage

1. My husband advised me to follow my heart. I will miss him.
2. My wife is upset at me for spoiling the celebration of our marriage, which is weird because I don’t even know its date.
3. What makes marriage even worse than going to work? At least going to work, you may get a new supervisor at a later stage.
4. I am going to start drinking because of my husband. Better this way than taking an Uber.
5. What do husbands have in common with wine? They get better and better with age – a very long one.
6. My husband jestingly informed me that I am a picture of intelligence. I informed him that I was aware of this fact.
7. Why did the zombies get divorced? Their marriage was dead.
8. Why did the lion attend therapy? His spouse turned out to be a cheetah.
9. People should be married with their eyes wide open and thereafter with only half closed.
10.  “But aren’t you wearing your ring on the wrong hand? ” A: “Yes because this is one marriage I regret.”
11. Last year, my wife absconded with my closest friend. His memories still linger with me.
12. ‘Buy a new vehicle for your mate. This will be a fantastic swap.’
13. Did you know every spring, there’s a couple of bed bugs that get married? They say, Spring is the season for weddings.
14. I did not change my name in marriage as an act of feminism. I simply don’t want to be located by anyone I went to high school with.
15. Any man about to get married should forgive my past errors. There is no need for two people to remember them vividly.
16. What is the stage between “incomplete” and “finished”? For a bachelor, a wife is an accessory that is required but not required. He is complete when he gets married – that is the end of the man.
17. Wife: Me: I love. No, husband: I love you too. But isn’t that him, or the alcohol that is speaking? Wife? It is me, the woman. Not to him. Rather to the alcohol.
18. Define love and marriage in a way that is opposite to these two states. Unlike in marriage, where you see everything about reality, love is all about the illusions.
19. Where do you think your children will go for higher education and even live? Your husband.
20. What is the way for a husband to please her wife sexually? By sleeping on a couch instead.

12 Best Dark Humor jokes about dating

1. Worst day of my life? An ex of mine just got knocked down by a bus and I was working as a bus driver, so you can tell I lost my job today.
2. My therapist diagnosed me with ‘finding’ and helping ‘the people that need saving’. I said, “You as well”.
3. My boyfriend left because I am too “mysterious” for his liking. Or did he?
4. My girlfriend said, there is not better gift I can give her than a ring on her birthday, so I didn’t give her anything.
5. One time someone asked me what I want from a relationship. I answered, “an escape plan”, and it was the wrong answer apparently.
6. The last time I was someone’s type was when I went to give out some blood.
7. And where in the whole wide world of dating is my weakness? Oh yes, I may be good at fishing but I cannot catch or in other words, I suck at fishing.
8. That feeling you know where one is too fond of someone? That is common sense escaping the building.
9. I do not make mistakes with females. I simply date them.
10. Cook books are like dating sites. The real one does not look like the one in the pictures.
11. I don’t mean to show off, but I have a date on Valentine’s Day. February 14th, to be precise.
12. I was warned against dating a tennis player because, to them, love means nothing.

6 Popular Dark Humor jokes about general jokes 

1. What do you call a useless circumcision? A waste of time.
2. The question is, how does one properly prepare a Caesar salad? Lettuce gets stabbed 23 times and it is a done deal.
3. I do not have a carbon footprint; I drive everywhere.
4. Cremation is only one of my ways to achieve a sculpted appearance.
5. Why do cannibals not eat clowns? Because they look funny.
6. I was amazed to learn that blow dryers do not come waterproof.

Best Dark Humor jokes about family

1. It’s not easy to be a mom. Otherwise, dads would have done it.
2. Dad told Mom he would like to see us every two weeks. Mom reminded him they were still married and he had to see us every day.
3. Who does Father’s Day make the most money? To the therapists, most probably.
4. A father is a blessing, creating one is a piece of cake.
5. At times people say that they can’t separate me and my sister. Pro tip: I am the attractive one.
6. It’s like living in Cinderella’s household, having sisters. I am a hard working princess; they are wicked.
7. My twin brother called from prison the other day and asked, “Yooouuu remember when we finish each other’s sentences?”
8. What do you call a cannibal who keeps eating his brothers and sisters? A munchkin.
9. I returned to my childhood home and inquired whether I can go inside and see my old room. The residents threw the door on my face. Parents are a nightmare.
10. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
11. Someone stole my diary and died. My condolences to his family.
12. I will always remember the last thing my grandfather told me, “Are you still on the ladder?”
13. I want to depart this world in a manner similar to that of my grandfather, in his sleep; not in the manner of his passengers, who were screaming and shouting.
14. I allow my children to vote on what to have for dinner. They choose tacos. I prepare pizzas. They don’t reside in a swing state.
15. When my mother died, it was that time we could not recall her blood group. Only that she told us to ‘be positive’ before she passed on.
16. Good moms let you lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first.

Darker comedies that made you laugh the most

The Loved One: I know for a fact, there is another movie which has almost the same name. The one I mean is the 1960s film which featured Robert Morse, Jonathan Winters and Rod Steiger, in the most hilarious role I ever thought he could play.

Move over, Baby: ‘Harold and Maude.’ This one seems to have been enjoyed by everyone. It took me some time to get into it, not that it wasn’t funny. If you haven’t seen it, it’s absolutely for your eyes.

Get Smoochy: It’s a film hated by many but if filthy humor becomes your cup of tea, then it’s enjoyable.

Dr. Strangelove: It may sound old fashioned but I find the prospect of the destruction of the human race by nuclear weapons to be a bleak topic. If you don’t, probably this is just a silly regular comedy.

Four Lions: I think this is the only country which could think of and actually produce a comical movie about, muslim radicals. And it’s a funny one, indeed. I first encountered Riz Ahmed in this film. I even didn’t reunite with him, though, recalled him from Rogue One. I recognized him, yes. But I never drew the connection.

FAQs

Q: Is there anything more disturbing than 100 babies hanging from a tree?

Ans: Yes, 1 baby hanging from 100 trees.

Q: What is the common factor between Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd?

Ans: The Wall was their LAST BIG HIT.

Q: How do apples and orphans differ?

Ans: Orphans are not collected, but rather apples are.

Q: Why are there no orphans who play baseball?

Ans: Because there is no understanding of where home is for them.

Q: What do you call the complete opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Ans: Without a doubt Christopher Walken.

Q: Why is Stephen Hawking, an astrophysicist?

Ans: Because he didn’t want to be a stand-up comedian.